Dear Journal

          It seems hard to believe that the simpelest word can turn someone's whole word upside down.  I've tried to tell myself to not let that happen but it also seems that the harder I try the darker my heart gets.  I can't be around those I love because I'm afraid that the littlest word will tear my insides to pieces.  Yes, it's the truth.  I don't like being around people because of what goes on in my daily life.  That sounds stuoid but what can I say, I'm a stupid emotional person who doesn't know how to tell someone who I feel.  I'm pathetic and I know and I know that you know.
          I know that you wouldn't ever understand.  This will more then likey seem like the ranting of a lunatic but that's how I feel like.  I feel like I'm lossing my mind and that I'm slowly going crazy.  I can't stand it any more and I don't know what to do.  I can't tell people that I feel like there is no meaning to my existance because then they think that It's just a faze that I'm goin through.  I don't know maybe it is but whenever I get alone it feels like the whole world hates me and that they don't wnat me to be there.  If it's not one thing then it's another.  It's stupid really bit I know the feeling of beong totally alone.  I know what it's like to be hated and unwanted and I never wnat to feel it again.  The feeling of being dead idside makes you want to commit suicide just to end the dull throbb in the middle of your chest.  But the it's not like you are commiting suicide because you already feel dead inside and your heart is already dead.  There is no feeling inside just the dull pain of hate and loneliness.  Yes I've felt that before unwanted and dead.
          And though I am still too young to dwell on such a dredfull subject it has always been on my mind.  What is after death.  Is there really a hell and is there really a heaven?  Is there really a place in the sky where you can go to and finally be able to relax?  Is there really a place where you get tortured for the rest of eternity?  If there is such a place then this must be it.  To live like this is toture.  Who needs fire when you are totured be where own mind?  When those that you thought cared for you really doesn't and to fins that you were really just along in this world.  Where's hell now?  Is it on earth?
          And as harsh as it sounds, that's what it feels like at times.  It's just that sometimes there is no point in caring anymore.  I just don't care.  What's the point when you just die alone anyway.  Death is just a life long death sentence and when you come down to think about it death is actually a release from the cold reality of life.  And even if you don't die right away nothing last forever.  Eventually you begin to rot away into nothingness.  So tell me is there really a meaning to our existance?  Is there really a reason that we are meant to suffre the way we do?  And is there a way to change all that?  There is no way of knowing I guess...